After deciding that Freedonian Leader H.E. Rufus T. Firefly must go, Mrs. Teasdale turned to the one man who she thought had the drive to, once and for all, utterly destroy the nonexistent Sylvania Alliance: the Beloved Student Deferment Bravehawk. He accepted the appointment on the condition that he be allowed to search for, find, and put into office someone else who would speak nothing except what had been approved by the Beloved and would think nothing at all, in fact be incapable of thought. Mrs. Teasdale agreed.
After the Beloved outlined his program to pretend there was such a thing as the Sylvania Alliance and to raise bloody hell in every corner of nthe world, Mrs. Teasdale invited Doctrix Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile, Professor of Anatomy and Silly Walks at Huxley College, where she studied under the fabled Prof. Wagstaff, to submit her ideas for the implementation of the Bravehawk Plan directly to the Beloved himself.
S T O P
If you’re a Congressperson or a news medium, you must stop reading and close this bog immediately. If you fail to heed this fair warning, the Gugol boys and Yahoo!!!!!!!! will tell Beloved Bravehawk on you.
TO: The Beloved S.D. Bravehawk, Nascent Real President and Chief 5-Percenter for Hallitosis Gummint Contracts
FROM: Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile (Dr.), Would-Be Advisrette to Anyone Who Might Pretend to Listen
SUBJECT: It’s Not Always Academic
DATE: Sept. 10, 1999
Revered Hon. Beloved Sir:
At Mrs. G. Teasdale’s suggestion, I am submitting these views to you in response to your request to her to find someone who “has some good ideas on how we can either tell the whole world to go fuck itself or in fact ourselves totally fuck up them that don’t go fuck themselves.” I believe I have some good ideas, which involve two approaches: (1) to make the minimum number of decisions and actions that will cause the maximum number of governments and peoples to hate us, and (2) to change every regime possible including those – especially those, in fact – that might support us.
I think the most promising area of the world for a start is the Middle East, because there is already a vast potential for us to make people hate us – i.e., it will take very little action to turn not only nearly everyone in that region against us but hundreds of millions, maybe billions, of people elsewhere. No place else could we get as much buck for our bang.
What we have to do is invade somebody. If we go after a Muslim country, there’s a good chance we could make enemies of all Muslims everywhere, even inside our own country. Now anybody might do: Algeria, Mauritania, Somalia, Indonesia, Pakistan, Malaysia. Well, maybe Spinach Sahara wouldn’t do. But I think we would be most successful if we chose a country right in the thick of the Muslim world. Saudi Arabia is obviously not a good target, nor any of the Gulf states, since Hallitosis has important assets there. But we could take on the Eye Wrackies, the Assyrians, or the Jordanaires, and no one except the Muslim world and everybody else would even notice. The exceptions would be your fellow Freedonians, who would either not notice or be gratified that we were kicking the turd out of people with extremely limited ability to defend themselves, whereas your Base would certainly notice and be proud of you. I speak, of course, of the Retro Radicals and the faith-full membership of the Freedonians United in Can-do and Know-how.
At the same time, my calculations suggest that we could cause regime change in such Western countries as Spain, Italy, and Echolalia.
In summary, we must consistently seek out and discover the moral, fair, legal, intelligent action or policy and then do the opposite. And, above all, we must not talk to anybody, friend or foe, about anything.
For, you see, Beloved Bravehawk, people will never care about what we do, only what we say.
I would very much like to sit down with you, or have your people meet my people, except that I don’t have any people, so we, or somebody, could discuss my ideas in greater detail. Also, what salary would you pay me? Anything like what you make for Hallitosis?
Your More Obedient Than You Can Possibly Imagine Servant,
Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile (Dr.)
Who? What? Bog Readers, and this means you, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Bravehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon , and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of America’s Bushmen: The Harmful People . Czech ‘em out.
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