How We Talk

I Wanna Talk Bushman

The following are some selections from the Official Government This Is How We Talk Lexicon, Chapter I, “Good vs. Evil,” issued by the Office of the Real President on Jan. 21, 2001. Although the Real President, Beloved Student Deferment Bravehawk, has retained the copyright for his own profit, this bogger is extremely proud to assert his right to be identified as author of this work in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs, and Patents Act, 1988. However, notwithstanding this assertion, the bogger (it is I, you know) does not intend in any way to infringe on, deprive, or place limits on the Beloved’s right and ability to make a minimum of $36 million p.a. in connection with sales of copies of this lexicon to the billons of people who need to know what he and other members of his regime are talking about.

This bogger has not made no attempt to boggify the entire lexicon, which is much larger than the Oxford English Dictionary, all of whose definitions have been modified to reflect the New World Order and, anyway, does not contain vocabulary that is peculiar but crucial to the Bushmen, including, for example, remarkable words such as Decider and Newcolor . However, this bog will provide definitions to other words in response to queries from its readers, presuming there are such things, and consider any submissions from people who believe the Bushmen have left something out, which would be a most uncharacteristic oversight by such thorough and careful operatives as the Bushpeople. All contributions will be credited, if the contributor has no shame.

Pay Attention to What We Say, Not What we Do

Abduct – What they do.

Ax of Evil – (1) Ungodly weapon for possible use against us (e.g., r.p.g., AK-47, mortar, pistol, Improvised Unexploding Device such as a rock or club); (2) any weapon for possible use against us that is not store-boughten (e.g., roadside bomb, car-bomb, U-Haul truck bomb, trip-wire).

Capture – What we do (contrast abduct, kidnap).

Civilized World – Var. of International Community, which see.

Collateral Damage – Dead folks, casualties of all kinds, and every tribe of destruction inadvertantly - oops! - caused by The Good – i.e., us. Well, not really by us: our boys and girls followed correct procedures and rules of engagement so no blame attaches to them, us, our friends and allies, and most decidedly not to our Government, led by Real President Student Deferment Bravehawk. And, in any case, if they hadn’t acted so ugly anyway, we wouldn’t even be there dropping smart bombs on them.

Compassionate Conservatives – Obsolete term for a group of serious and really, really, deep thinkers of great judgment who were dedicated utterly to opposing all forms of nation-building and to supporting every kind of nation-destroying. All known to this bog have become Radical Imperialist People, having transferred their core principles to the R.I.P.

Confession – A reasonable response to our interrogation techniques.

Consequences – What happens when fledgling democracies choose leaders of whom we do not approve (e.g., Haiti, Palestine); Cf. Democracy, Spread of.

Cowards – What they are, as evidenced by their sneaking up close to kill civilians instead of doing so from seven miles up or from inside Gladly Killing Vehicles.

Criminal or Other Charges – An unnecessary formality (see Guilty Verdict).

Crusade – The Good, marching as to war. Onward Xian Soldiers!

Decider – The Vice President.

Democracy, Spread of – An exercise in which we expect and require that other countries will exercise total and unfettered freedom (which see) to select leaders of whom we approve.

Detainee – Lifer. var., a suspected militant.

Dissenter – (1) An unpatriot; (2) A settler in Freedonia who has moved there seeking religious or political freedom, archaic.

Eminence Grise – Pretty much every Bushman with the exception of the Nominal Leader.

Evil – Them.

Foreign fighters – Evil, evil incarnate except for Mujahaddin or anyone else fighting Godless Commies on our nickel in Poppiestan during the 1980’s, and except for Freedonians in the R.A.F. fighting Nazis before 12/7/41; or for Freedonians driving ambulances for the Allies in WWI (e.g., Papa Heminghaw), or for anyone else through history if their Goodness is subsequently validated by our entering a war on the side for which these foreign fighters were fighting. However, if they fight for a team of which we do not approve, or later decide to disapprove of, they are evil, evil incarnate. God damn them.

Freedom – The right to choose between two political candidates chosen by Mrs. Teasdale. Unrestricted choice is mere license. Ugh. (2) Also the right to export profits from your labor, industry, and natural resources to Freedonia and / or G-8 friends of ours.

Fundamentalists – (1) Christians dedicated to family values, Crusading, and the immutable, precise, and literal meaning of every Word of the Holy Scriptures, according to the King James Version or a different version, or any other Holy Word or Idea or Imperative that, even though it cannot be found in the Holy Bible, as it now stands, it would be there if today’s Fundamentalists had written the book, so it can (i.e., should) therefore be accepted, followed, and practiced as scriptural; (2) Muslims who want to protect their religion and culture and who hate Freedom and God-ordained Crusading.

Gathering Shitstorm – The events leading up to Freedonia’s unprovoked invasion of Sylvania.

Good – The Bushmen, i.e., us.

Guilty – (1) Suspected; (2) accused.

Guilty Verdict – Unnecessary formality (see also Criminal Charges); syn., arrest.

Gunmen – What they sometimes are, although they’re more often just terrorists.

Habeas Corpus – Unknown to this lexicon.

Hero – A Freedonian casualty in Eye Wrack or Sylvania.

If You Will – Abbreviated form of “I know neither of us understands the locution I’ve just used, but please give me a free pass anyway”; cf. as it were.

Improvised Unexploding Device – A type of Unstore-boughten weapon, an ax of evil, that can be used against us but does not explode. Known by its initials.

In Real Time – (1) At this point in time; (2) At that point in time.

Innocent Life – Dead folks who were not actively fighting against us and whose deaths cannot be directly attributed to or blamed on Our Brave Heroes.

Intelligence Community – No.

International Community – An exclusive but ever-changing club in which Freedonia has the sole vote on the Membership Committee.

Justice – (1) Punishment; (2) revenge - esp. for those under accusation or suspicion.

Kidnap – See abduct.

Lawful Combatant – Any fighter or soldier, whether in mufti or uniform, of whom we approve.

Light at the End of the Tunnel – Absurd Viet Nam-era concept that has taken on the patina of Utter Truth in Eye Wrack as applied to the Good Guys and their war, especially the Splurge.

Militant, Plain Ol’ – Evil, evil.

Militant, Suspected – Corpse. Cf. Taliban, suspected; insurgent, suspected.

Moderate Arabs – Middle Easterners uninterested in killing us just now.

Negotiations – A species of interlocutory exercise in which we make demands and they submit to them.

Neocon – A mythic Combo Beast with the body of an elephant, the head of an ass, a concave tail, the heart of a Chicken Little, the brain of a scarecrow, the instincts and habits of a lamprey, the conscience of a defense contractor, and boots on the ground. No such creature has ever existed, but all of its attributes are to be found in a species of Bravehawk Yea-Sayers known as Radical Imperialist People.

Newcolor – Adjective describing a type of w.m.d.

Obligations – Anything we want them to do or stop doing.

On the Ground – (1) Meaningless punctuation required by law to appear at least once in each sentence; (2) the place just mentioned or about to be mentioned (e.g., troops ~ in Iraq; troops in Iraq ~).

Patriot – A living member of the Freedonian Armed Services or anyone who wears a flag pin or belongs to the downsized organization We Support the Bushmen’s War in Eye Wrack.

Patriot Act – The 28th Amendment to the Constitution, eliminating and replacing all of the previous 27, at the discretion of the Lawyer General.

Sacrifice – What the Bushmen expect and require of you in waging their war.

Soldiers – What our boys and girls are (contrast Gunmen, Terrorists, Militants).

Splurge—Viet Nam-style escalation.

Surge – Human-caused tsunami.

Torquemada – Roll model.

Torture – (1) Q and A; (2) Pastime.

Unlawful Combatant – Anyone in mufti fighting against us or against anyone we like anywhere (contrast lawful combatant).

Unpatriot – (1) Neigh-sayer; (2) cut-and-run Mr. Milquetoast; (3) pure evil on the hoof; (4) Democrat.

Unstore-Boughten Exploding Thing – (1) Exactly; (2) Any ax of evil that can be detonated. The phrase is much praised as one of less than a handful of Bushman terms that actually bear a relationship to what the physical thing or idea they refer to actually is. Known by its acronym, U bet.

Victory – (1) Mythical place; (2) Bushmen’s El Dorado.

Wedding Party – Target.