Introducing a New Art Form: The Bog

Actually, this art form is isn’t really new, and maybe not even an art form, because everyone is already familiar with The Bog, which is located just south of Quagmire, well west of Plain Old Mire, next door to Muck, and across the way from The Fens. All these places are now well known, since the U.S.A.’s Cheney Administration (i.e., America’s Bushmen, a.k.a. Swamp Things) dragged us into and through these locales and then abandoned us, up to our ass in you know what.

This web bog is devoted to understanding how and why the American people, justifiably admired by everyone, including you and me, for their talent and devotion to profitable effort, nonetheless keep electing venal, inept, stupid, and / or uneducated “leaders” such as Disgraced President Kniksen and Real President Cheney

It is my intention (my referring to me, the bogger) to do as much original research and investigation as my time, ability, and connections will allow me to. Granted, I have little ability and no connections whatever, but I have shitloads of time, and expect to use it (them?), though probably not immoderately.

I’ve already scored some major investigative successes, which I intend to inflict on y’all over the next handful of periods of time. For example, I have been given access to all the public and private papers and records of Real President Cheney on the condition that I not share them with Congresspeople or the news media. But he didn’t tell me I couldn’t put them on the in-turd net.

You have the opportunity to taste the first fruits of this Scoop on this very day. I hope it will be a small contribution to our understanding how we got bogged down in these mirish quagmirable fens, the Eye Wrackie wetlands and drylands.

A final note before sharing the first of these papers: I have hitherto been using made-up names to protect the sensibilities of people who might throw up hearing the real names. By this I mean that Kniksen and Cheney are fake names. Well, not Kniksen. But "Cheney" is a Nom de Bog. There’s no one, or at least no human being, by this name. However, I will make no attempt to disguise the names in any of the documents that I boggify or those from which I draw vitally informative vital information.

N.B. – This bog will make slightly more sense, insofar as it makes any at all, if y’all readers acquaint y’all’s selves with the who and what, which y’all’ll find under the postings “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon , and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of America’s Bushmen: The Harmful People .


Saturday, July 21, 2007

Give Him Death, or Give him Life

Gobblesnot’s Commutation in Perspective

For y’all bog-readers who are outraged to the point of spitting over the commutation* granted Scootiewootie Chipperskipper Good Boy Gobblesnot, I say the problem was that he had been convicted of the only crime that the Bushmen regard as not just forgivable but in fact praiseworthy in a Team Player: lying. Had he killed someone, even an Ordinary Citizen, he would now be counting the steps up the scaffold or the straps on the gurney.

The chance that he would be the beneficiary of commutation in that case can be precisely measured: 1 in 152. That was the number of commutations / executions performed by the Texas governor whose identity was stolen by Real President Student Deferment Bravehawk and then used as a back story for his chosen voice box, Xxqxcxqx of Qicxq [See “Where Did He Get These Guys – Xxqxcxqx I“].

A brief, very brief, excursion into the In-turd Net, with a Searching Injun as guide, will turn up all sorts of interesting information about that Texas guv and his blood lust.

The article that this bogger found most illuminating and instructive (though all were useful) was by Sister Helen Prejean at http://www.nybooks.com/articles/17670; Sister Helen is a leading campaigner against the death penalty and a principal subject of the movie Dead Man Walking, which I’ve never seen but know in my hearts of hearts would be a good nickname for Gobblesnot if he had been accused or suspected of killing Innocent Life.

She retells the story of Ms. Karla Faye Tucker, which had first been related to this bogger by the late Molly Ivins in Shrub, her laudably objective biography of that Texas governor / back-story-model. The soon-to-be-dead Ms. Tucker appeared on the Larry King show while she was on death row. Mr. King asked her a number of relevant questions, one of which was what she would say to the governor if she could speak to him. In 1999, two years after Texas had done away with Ms. Tucker, another person with that exceedingly strange name (which in Strine means “food”), Mr. Tucker Carlson, a reporter, interviewed Gov. Back Story and the Guv told him that he had indeed seen the King interview. The reporter asked him how Ms. Tucker had responded to that question of King’s. Here it is, from Sister Helen’s piece:

“ ‘Please,’ Bush whimpered, his lips pursed in mock desperation, ‘please, don’t kill me.’ ”

Now some of y’all might find that offensively heartless, but for the Bushmen her fate, and the guv’s view of it, would in fact be a model of sympathy and mercy. They would normally have smart-bombed or bulldozed her home town, and seized anyone who had ever befriended or helped her, stuffed him or mayhap her into orange gunny sacks, and hidden the Perp in a secret offshore dungeon.

And now I hear my devoted readers asking, “But, please Sir: why wasn’t the chance of commutation zero in 152?” Because Gov. Back Story did commute one death sentence of one of the 152 carried out on his watch. That case followed an outcry from every corner of Freedonia, even though the country is circular, when it was discovered that the man he was so looking forward to killing, Henry Lee Lucas, could not have committed the murder for which he was convicted because he was in prison in another state at the time it occurred. Since the ned could not have committed the crime, Gov. Back Story determined that death was an excessive penalty and commuted it from The Gurney to life imprisonment (a sentence that the Bushmen later renomenclaturized to “detention”).

There are two lessons we may learn from this brief history:

1. Life imprisonment is surely a reasonable and merciful sentence for a man convicted of a murder he couldn’t possibly have committed, and,

2. those calling for revenge against Gobblesnot will have to convince this Good Boy to be suspected of killing innocent life, for then punishment is certain: death if he might have done it, or life imprisonment if he couldn’t have done it.

* To be fair, it must be noted that the commutation left in place a harsh punishment: fines almost as large as Bravehawk’s lunch money, which will leave the Beloved hungry one day when he foregoes the noon repast in order to secretly pay Gobblesnot’s fines. Also, Gobblesnot’s forever-damaged reputation will have long-lasting consequences : namely, a rise in his speaking fees for colloquies and symposiums of the party faithful of Freedonians United in Can-do and Know-how from the standard $150,000 to only $250,000 and a job for a party donor with a salary of possibly less than $1 million p.a., unless the job is with Hallitosis, in which case it will be $36 million p.a.

Who? What? Bog Readers, if there are any, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Brasvehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon, and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of Americas’s Bushmen: The Harmful People. Czech ‘em out.

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