Introducing a New Art Form: The Bog

Actually, this art form is isn’t really new, and maybe not even an art form, because everyone is already familiar with The Bog, which is located just south of Quagmire, well west of Plain Old Mire, next door to Muck, and across the way from The Fens. All these places are now well known, since the U.S.A.’s Cheney Administration (i.e., America’s Bushmen, a.k.a. Swamp Things) dragged us into and through these locales and then abandoned us, up to our ass in you know what.

This web bog is devoted to understanding how and why the American people, justifiably admired by everyone, including you and me, for their talent and devotion to profitable effort, nonetheless keep electing venal, inept, stupid, and / or uneducated “leaders” such as Disgraced President Kniksen and Real President Cheney

It is my intention (my referring to me, the bogger) to do as much original research and investigation as my time, ability, and connections will allow me to. Granted, I have little ability and no connections whatever, but I have shitloads of time, and expect to use it (them?), though probably not immoderately.

I’ve already scored some major investigative successes, which I intend to inflict on y’all over the next handful of periods of time. For example, I have been given access to all the public and private papers and records of Real President Cheney on the condition that I not share them with Congresspeople or the news media. But he didn’t tell me I couldn’t put them on the in-turd net.

You have the opportunity to taste the first fruits of this Scoop on this very day. I hope it will be a small contribution to our understanding how we got bogged down in these mirish quagmirable fens, the Eye Wrackie wetlands and drylands.

A final note before sharing the first of these papers: I have hitherto been using made-up names to protect the sensibilities of people who might throw up hearing the real names. By this I mean that Kniksen and Cheney are fake names. Well, not Kniksen. But "Cheney" is a Nom de Bog. There’s no one, or at least no human being, by this name. However, I will make no attempt to disguise the names in any of the documents that I boggify or those from which I draw vitally informative vital information.

N.B. – This bog will make slightly more sense, insofar as it makes any at all, if y’all readers acquaint y’all’s selves with the who and what, which y’all’ll find under the postings “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon , and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of America’s Bushmen: The Harmful People .


Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Regime-Change Scorecard

Crisis in Terrorstan

In line with Freedonia’s policy of changing the regime in every Muslim country except those that sell us their oil at Guaranteed Prices, and / or which allow us to install military bases on their territory, and / or whose armies do not actively take the field against us even if their citizens do, and also the policy of changing regimes in every other country of the world that we like or don’t like, the Ministrette of International Signal Sending and Administrix of Silly Steps, Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile, in her weekly public performance for reporters on the subject of Why Every Not-So-Bad Thing That Has Happened Recently Is Further Evidence of How Our Policies are Succeeding and Every Bad Thing That Has Happened Recently Is a Problem and / or Task That We Fully Anticipated and Planned For and Which Is Therefore Also Evidence That Our Policies Are Succeeding revealed to us that President You Made Me an Offer I Couldn’t Refuse of our marvellously close ally, Terrorstan, was entering the final few minutes of his lifetime employment as Dictator.

Extract From the Weakly You-Know-What Performance:

Q – Madam Ministress, can we really have faith that President Refuse will remain committed to Our Just Cause despite his recent State of the Dictatorship Address in which he made it clear that some other country would have to guard his borders so long it wasn’t Poppiestan or Freedonia or someone else?

C.C.d.V – The President has been very dependable in Our Just Cause and has never broken any promise he has made, except the one in which he said Terrorstan would stop cross-border traffic of terrorists and Enemies of Freedom . . . And the one in which he said he would close the terrorist training camps in his country . . .Yes, and the promise to close the madarasa that teach hatred of the West, blind obedience to designated mullahs, Holy War vs. all infidels, how to make exploding things, how to make exploding people, and how to distinguish infidels from the Faithful by silhouette.

Q – Yet in his speech he said, and I quote, “Terrorstanis must realize Freedonia could smart bomb us to Lithic Age, so I lie at them.” Hunh?

C.C.d.V – [sighs] You’re losing all sense of proportion. His speech was an hour long, and you are singling out that one sentence: it’s just sixteen words, for goodness’ sake. Please try to keep things in perspective, as I do.

Q – Whaaa?

C.C.d.V – We here at the Ministry of International Signal Sending know how to interpret signals from Unfreedonian governments, unlike you and your pack of scandal-seekers and neigh-sayers who are just looking to sell newspapers or soap or something, whereas we’re trying to protect the Free World against those who hate us for no good reason except that we invade their countries and kill their citizens and / or co-religionists. So why don’t you shut your trap and leave the professional diplomatology to those of us who, although we’re amateurs and ideologues, do in fact hold office? Hear?

Q – One last question, Mistress Ministrix: Do you put the accent on the name of the President of Terrorstan on the first syllable or the second?

C.C.d.V – [In her patented whiny voice, as if speaking to idiots, which she usually is] Well, I never . . .

At that, she gave them the finger, pursed her lips, and exited the podium by means of her much-envied and frequently emulated (e.g., Gabrielle Solis) silly steps, adapted from Bette Midler except that Bette didn’t use Crazy Glue to keep her buttocks tight as the Ministrix did. Also, Bette shook her ass a lot, but then she would: the shameless hussy eschewed Crazy Glue.

Update and Progress Reports

On World-Wide Regime Change

Regimes About to Be Changed – Lebanon, Terrorstan, Turkey.

Regimes Changed – Italy, Spinachia, United Thingdom of Echolalia and Perfidia.

Regimes Changed but About to About to Return to the Ancien Régime – Eye Wrack, Poppiestan.

Regimes Changed Into Nothing – Haiti.

Regimes We Tried to Change but – Oops! – Made Stronger – Philistia.

Regimes We’d Just Love to Change – Bolivia, Brazil, Venezuela.

Regimes We’d Just Love to Change But Are Too Afraid Of to Try – Assyria, Eye Ran, North Megalomania, Russia.

Regimes We’d Just Love to Change But Owe Too Much Money to to Try – Bahrain, Catarrh, China, Kuwait, Oman, Saudi Arabia, United Ay Rabb Emirates.

Who? What? Bog Readers, if there are any, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Brasvehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon, and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of Americas’s Bushmen: The Harmful People. Czech ‘em out.

Posted by at
Labels: , , , , , , ,

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)