Why We Fight I: The Bravehawk Imperative

The Bravehawk Imperative

After deciding that Freedonian Leader H.E. Rufus T. Firefly must go, Mrs. Teasdale turned to the one man who she thought had the drive to, once and for all, utterly destroy the nonexistent Sylvania Alliance: the Beloved Student Deferment Bravehawk. He accepted the appointment on the condition that he be allowed to search for, find, and put into office someone else who would speak nothing except what had been approved by the Beloved and would think nothing at all, in fact be incapable of thought. Mrs. Teasdale agreed.

After the Beloved outlined his program to pretend there was such a thing as the Sylvania Alliance and to raise bloody hell in every corner of nthe world, Mrs. Teasdale invited Doctrix Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile, Professor of Anatomy and Silly Walks at Huxley College, where she studied under the fabled Prof. Wagstaff, to submit her ideas for the implementation of the Bravehawk Plan directly to the Beloved himself.

S T O P

If you’re a Congressperson or a news medium, you must stop reading and close this bog immediately. If you fail to heed this fair warning, the Gugol boys and Yahoo!!!!!!!! will tell Beloved Bravehawk on you.

TO: The Beloved S.D. Bravehawk, Nascent Real President and Chief 5-Percenter for Hallitosis Gummint Contracts

FROM: Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile (Dr.), Would-Be Advisrette to Anyone Who Might Pretend to Listen

SUBJECT: It’s Not Always Academic

DATE: Sept. 10, 1999

Revered Hon. Beloved Sir:

At Mrs. G. Teasdale’s suggestion, I am submitting these views to you in response to your request to her to find someone who “has some good ideas on how we can either tell the whole world to go fuck itself or in fact ourselves totally fuck up them that don’t go fuck themselves.” I believe I have some good ideas, which involve two approaches: (1) to make the minimum number of decisions and actions that will cause the maximum number of governments and peoples to hate us, and (2) to change every regime possible including those – especially those, in fact – that might support us.

I think the most promising area of the world for a start is the Middle East, because there is already a vast potential for us to make people hate us – i.e., it will take very little action to turn not only nearly everyone in that region against us but hundreds of millions, maybe billions, of people elsewhere. No place else could we get as much buck for our bang.

What we have to do is invade somebody. If we go after a Muslim country, there’s a good chance we could make enemies of all Muslims everywhere, even inside our own country. Now anybody might do: Algeria, Mauritania, Somalia, Indonesia, Pakistan, Malaysia. Well, maybe Spinach Sahara wouldn’t do. But I think we would be most successful if we chose a country right in the thick of the Muslim world. Saudi Arabia is obviously not a good target, nor any of the Gulf states, since Hallitosis has important assets there. But we could take on the Eye Wrackies, the Assyrians, or the Jordanaires, and no one except the Muslim world and everybody else would even notice. The exceptions would be your fellow Freedonians, who would either not notice or be gratified that we were kicking the turd out of people with extremely limited ability to defend themselves, whereas your Base would certainly notice and be proud of you. I speak, of course, of the Retro Radicals and the faith-full membership of the Freedonians United in Can-do and Know-how.

At the same time, my calculations suggest that we could cause regime change in such Western countries as Spain, Italy, and Echolalia.

In summary, we must consistently seek out and discover the moral, fair, legal, intelligent action or policy and then do the opposite. And, above all, we must not talk to anybody, friend or foe, about anything.

For, you see, Beloved Bravehawk, people will never care about what we do, only what we say.

I would very much like to sit down with you, or have your people meet my people, except that I don’t have any people, so we, or somebody, could discuss my ideas in greater detail. Also, what salary would you pay me? Anything like what you make for Hallitosis?

Your More Obedient Than You Can Possibly Imagine Servant,

Candalabreeza Cruella de Vile (Dr.)

Who? What? Bog Readers, and this means you, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Bravehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon , and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of America’s Bushmen: The Harmful People . Czech ‘em out.

Where Did He Get These Guys? – Xxqxcxqx I

A Bushman Cometh: Plorogue

The following is an account written by this very bogger from diaries he kept in real time on the ground, if you will, during his service in Freedonia’s cabal-in-waiting, The Triumvirate, as junior member to Beloved Bravehawk and, hold your nose, Call Rover Shifty-Eyed Goddam Liar.

The bottle skydived gracefully, occasionally turning slightly as it forced its way down through the ever-increasing density of Earth’s atmosphere. Had it been falling through a vacuum, it would have been falling at the same rate of descent as a horsefeather or a page torn from D.P. Kniksen’s memoirs. However, it wasn’t falling through a vacuum. It was shoving itself through hydrogen, oxygen, methane, and other stuff, all mixed up in a gasful soup. Thanks to gravity the bottle was attracted by the Earth at a much greater rate, and by a more direct route, than any feather or A5-size sheet of paper, compared to which the bottle was an express rather than local train.

It hit the ground with a whumpp, startling the turd out of a short, skinny, pretty much naked ned with a disproportionately big ass who was jogging nearby.

Having recovered from the turd’s being startled out of, the ned circled the bottle, seeking the most auspicious direction from which to approach it. He kept expecting the bottle to spin so as to continue to point at him (despite his having never seen a bottle before, he was acquainted with Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator). This was not the first time he had seen things fall from the air. Leaves and rain and hail and dust, for example. And he had been personally acquainted with a chicken whose noggin was bonked by a falling acorn. (A similar accident later happened to Freedonia’s Minister for Waging War, Übermensch Rumsfool.)

He squatted beside the bottle and examined it, afraid to touch. It appeared to have certain of the crystalline properties of hail, at least parts of it, because its color was something like very dirty water (he never seen any other kind) so he waited for it to melt. But it didn’t. Then he tapped it. It was harder than any rock he had ever touched, and smooth. It had what seemed to him a curious shape, since it seemed to be governed by a Straight Line God, sideways and up and down, except for a cylinderish section at the top, its glans, whose form and shape were something like his forearm only shorter and narrower and of a different color and texture and kinda pleated. It had a picture on it of a ned wearing a curious animal on his head and fur or something on his face, under his nose. The picture was a far better likeness of a human visage than any that he or his friends or antecedents had ever finger-painted onto boulder or cliff wall.

Once he had determined that, in its present condition, it was unlikely to hurt him, he picked it up and judged its weight by flipping it from hand to hand. It had a little round thing on the top, whose diameter was about the same as the length of the last segment of his thumb and appeared remarkably like the caps that he had seen atop the heads of bearded men wearing long white robes, although it was black and the things those men wore were white and much larger, big enough in fact to ride on a head. The little round thing seemed to be sitting on top of the bottle, so he tried to pull it off, but it wouldn’t come. It did, however, twist a bit, so he played with it and found that if he twisted it this way rather than that it would come right off. He sniffed at it, and the smell smote him like the jawbone of a you know what, and he fell right over backward, dropping the bottle but retaining the cap in his hand.

He took the bottle to his village, where he and his family discovered it had dozens of uses, amusing and instructive, and it quickly became the Best Thing of everyone around. Other naked little neds came from miles around to see it, smell it, test it, and try to steal it or borrow it or play with it under supervision.

You could fill it with water, if you could find any, and carry it for miles and then have the water there in your hand to drink or cook with, or even splash on someone, just for fun. You could take it to bed with you at night in your grass wickiup, piss in it to save going outside (although, in fact, there wasn’t a whole lot of distinction between inside and outside), and then go pour it onto the ground or on someone’s head, just for fun, the next morning. For pissing, it was just the right size to put the head of your item into, but Xxqxcxqx’s wife found it very difficult to use and in the end had to p. in a coconut shell and then pour the resulting tinkle into the bottle, which seemed to them both, as well as their neighbors when they told about it, a goddam shameful waste of time and effort. It was just as easy, or easier, to go outside and piss on a sleeping neighbor.

More: You could pound stuff with it, grain, for example, or seeds, or dandelion fluffs, but it was a complete failure as a rolling pin. It lacked the attribute of roundness.

Xxqxcxqx found quite a few things that you could do with the bottle. But the bottle became a source of trouble. If you held it while standing and dropped it, it could make your toes hurt like hell. Or, to cite an additional example, if your item were small in diameter yet disproportionately long (apparently true of many Qicxq males), it might get stuck in the neck of the bottle, and, moreover, unsticking it hurt like hell and and required a community effort.

The bottle’s usefulness came to an end, though, when a visitor, having been told of the bottle’s properties as a portable urinal, stick it up his be-hind and did Number Two in it, on it, and all around it. After that no one would drink from it, smell it, make it whistle, or even p. in it. So Xxqxcxqx decided to throw it off the edge of the Earth.

Xxqxcxqx was on his way to perform this task – the safari to the end of the Earth, which was the southern, i.e., right, bank of the Red River – when our operatives found him, seized him, bagged the bottle he was carrying, stitched him into an orange jumpsuit, and brought him in.

When I received the news of this catch, I fairly flew on wingéd feet to my Triumvirate colleagues to tell them our prayers and beseechings had been answered and unto us had been vouchsafed an In-Charge for Freedonia. Ah: kudos from Mrs. Teasdale in the offing!

Who? What? Bog Readers, and this means you, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Bravehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon, and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of America’s Bushmen: The Harmful People. Czech ‘em out.

Dramatis Personae

Antichrist Evil Evil Incarnate Gases His Own People and Occasionally Other People's People, Too – Dictator and Murderer of Eye Wrack and / or Sylvania.

Bravehawk, Student Deferment – the Beloved Real President and Decider; senior member of The Triumvirate.

Count Me In, Tonypony – H.M. First Minister of the United Thingdom of Echolalia and Perfidia, whose regime was changed after he joined Freedonia’s War Team, the Coalition of the Wilful.

Cruella de Vile, Candalabreeza – Ministrette of International Signal Sending and Administrix of Silly Steps,

Dumbya – Fond nickname for the Nominal Leader.

Gobblesnot, Scootiewootie Chipperskipper Good Boy – Equerry, dogsbody, factotum, and bagman to the Beloved.

Great Benefactor of Unwhite People for No Selfish Moltive Whatever – Cecil Rhodes (first syllable rhymes with first syllable of “bestial,” not first three letters of “beast”).

Marionetty, Bushbush – Nom de Politique of Xxqxcxqx of Qicxq, the Nominal Leader of Freedonia, but in fact the Voice Box activated by the Beloved Decider, Bravehawk.

Refuse, You Made Me an Offer I Couldn’t – Self-Selected Dictator of Terrorstan.

Robber G.. Mugabe – God-awful leader who cruelly makes thieves return their stolen goods.

Rumsfool, Übermensch – Minister for Waging War Weakly

S.H.F. – The present bogger; reformed Bushman and junior member of The Triumvirate.

Shifty-Eyed Goddam Liar, Call Rover – Hold your nose, deputy senior member of The Triumvirate.

Wolfshits, Horstwessel – Deputy Minister Waging War Mindlessly in charge of Aggression Against Countries Unable or Unwilling to Defend Themselves and diddler of the help.

Xxqxcxqx of Qicxq – Former name (i.e., né) of the Nominal Leader, Bushbush Marionetty, a.k.a. Dumbya.

Give Him Death, or Give him Life

Gobblesnot’s Commutation in Perspective

For y’all bog-readers who are outraged to the point of spitting over the commutation* granted Scootiewootie Chipperskipper Good Boy Gobblesnot, I say the problem was that he had been convicted of the only crime that the Bushmen regard as not just forgivable but in fact praiseworthy in a Team Player: lying. Had he killed someone, even an Ordinary Citizen, he would now be counting the steps up the scaffold or the straps on the gurney.

The chance that he would be the beneficiary of commutation in that case can be precisely measured: 1 in 152. That was the number of commutations / executions performed by the Texas governor whose identity was stolen by Real President Student Deferment Bravehawk and then used as a back story for his chosen voice box, Xxqxcxqx of Qicxq [See “Where Did He Get These Guys – Xxqxcxqx I“].

A brief, very brief, excursion into the In-turd Net, with a Searching Injun as guide, will turn up all sorts of interesting information about that Texas guv and his blood lust.

The article that this bogger found most illuminating and instructive (though all were useful) was by Sister Helen Prejean at http://www.nybooks.com/articles/17670; Sister Helen is a leading campaigner against the death penalty and a principal subject of the movie Dead Man Walking, which I’ve never seen but know in my hearts of hearts would be a good nickname for Gobblesnot if he had been accused or suspected of killing Innocent Life.

She retells the story of Ms. Karla Faye Tucker, which had first been related to this bogger by the late Molly Ivins in Shrub, her laudably objective biography of that Texas governor / back-story-model. The soon-to-be-dead Ms. Tucker appeared on the Larry King show while she was on death row. Mr. King asked her a number of relevant questions, one of which was what she would say to the governor if she could speak to him. In 1999, two years after Texas had done away with Ms. Tucker, another person with that exceedingly strange name (which in Strine means “food”), Mr. Tucker Carlson, a reporter, interviewed Gov. Back Story and the Guv told him that he had indeed seen the King interview. The reporter asked him how Ms. Tucker had responded to that question of King’s. Here it is, from Sister Helen’s piece:

“ ‘Please,’ Bush whimpered, his lips pursed in mock desperation, ‘please, don’t kill me.’ ”

Now some of y’all might find that offensively heartless, but for the Bushmen her fate, and the guv’s view of it, would in fact be a model of sympathy and mercy. They would normally have smart-bombed or bulldozed her home town, and seized anyone who had ever befriended or helped her, stuffed him or mayhap her into orange gunny sacks, and hidden the Perp in a secret offshore dungeon.

And now I hear my devoted readers asking, “But, please Sir: why wasn’t the chance of commutation zero in 152?” Because Gov. Back Story did commute one death sentence of one of the 152 carried out on his watch. That case followed an outcry from every corner of Freedonia, even though the country is circular, when it was discovered that the man he was so looking forward to killing, Henry Lee Lucas, could not have committed the murder for which he was convicted because he was in prison in another state at the time it occurred. Since the ned could not have committed the crime, Gov. Back Story determined that death was an excessive penalty and commuted it from The Gurney to life imprisonment (a sentence that the Bushmen later renomenclaturized to “detention”).

There are two lessons we may learn from this brief history:

1. Life imprisonment is surely a reasonable and merciful sentence for a man convicted of a murder he couldn’t possibly have committed, and,

2. those calling for revenge against Gobblesnot will have to convince this Good Boy to be suspected of killing innocent life, for then punishment is certain: death if he might have done it, or life imprisonment if he couldn’t have done it.

* To be fair, it must be noted that the commutation left in place a harsh punishment: fines almost as large as Bravehawk’s lunch money, which will leave the Beloved hungry one day when he foregoes the noon repast in order to secretly pay Gobblesnot’s fines. Also, Gobblesnot’s forever-damaged reputation will have long-lasting consequences : namely, a rise in his speaking fees for colloquies and symposiums of the party faithful of Freedonians United in Can-do and Know-how from the standard $150,000 to only $250,000 and a job for a party donor with a salary of possibly less than $1 million p.a., unless the job is with Hallitosis, in which case it will be $36 million p.a.

Who? What? Bog Readers, if there are any, will want to know who these people are and what they’re talking about. There are two tools of non-pareil importance in following the history of the Brasvehawk Conspiracy: “How We Talk,” a Bushmanese lexicon, and “Dramatis Personae,” a Registry of Americas’s Bushmen: The Harmful People. Czech ‘em out.